I am excited to return back to the main course room. While I will miss staring at Ryan Nicholas in class, I am beyond over Objectives. Book 5 is called, “The Ups and Downs in Life Course.” I think it is the first book I have read anything pertaining to drug use. Surprising, since this is after all, a drug rehabilitation program. Or so they alleged.
This book starts off discussing the two types of people there are in the world. It suggests there are no gray areas and that all people fall into one of the two categories: disaster type and constructive type. According to the book:
The disaster type can be repressed into inactivity (and illness)
and the constructive type can also be repressed (and made ill). Book 5, Page 19.
Keisha and Noah are on Book 6. Book 6 consists of writing your Overts and Withholds (OW’s). It is cute to watch them play with each other. They clearly are not doing their coursework. I see Noah drawing obscenities in Keisha’s book and giggle to myself. Keisha is giggling out loud and it causes Stormy to take notice.
“Am I going to have to separate the two of you again?” He asks.
Noah bursts into his hyena like laughter. That ridiculously cute and contagious laugh that only comes out when something really tickles him.
“I am going to take that as a yes,” Stormy responds. “Come sit up here by Buster.”
“Nobody deserves that steep of punishment,” I say sarcastically. “I think it’s too steep a gradient,” I continue, mocking Book 3’s Obstacles in learning.
The classroom laughs. Stormy is not amused. His face shifts to an expression confirming his lack of amusement, as he twists the ends of his mustache in an irritated tone.
“Quiet down and get back to work,” he mutters.
His eyes never break contact with mine. It is I, who finally caves and returns my gaze to the book on the table beneath me. Next, I read about the Antisocial Personality. These are the criminals among us. The book states that they make up roughly 20% of the population. However, it continues to say that only about two and a half percent of that 20% are truly dangerous. Some of the names quoted as being antisocial personalities in the world are: Hitler, Napoleon and Pretty Boy Floyd.
As I begin to read the attributes of the antisocial personality, I am frightened that this book is labeling me as one of them. We have to remember the patters verbatim and be able to recite them to the instructor before moving on to the next portion of the book.
The Antisocial Personality Attributes Include:
1. He or she speaks only in very broad generalities. ~’They say…””Everybody thinks…” “Everyone knows…” and such expressions are in continual use, particularly when imparting rumor.
2. Such a person deals mainly in bad news, critical or hostile remarks, invalidation and general suppression.
3. The antisocial personality alters, to worsen, communication when he or she relays a message or news. Good news is stopped and only bad news, often embellished, is passed along.
4. A characteristic, and one of the sad things about an antisocial personality is that it does not respond to treatment or reform or psychotherapy.
5. Surrounding such a personality we find cowed or ill associates or friends who, when not driven actually insane, are yet behaving in a crippled manner in life, failing, not succeeding.
6. The antisocial personality selects habitually the wrong target.
7. The antisocial personality cannot finish a cycle of action.
8. Many antisocial persons will freely confess to the most alarming crimes when forced to do so, but will have no faintest sense of responsibility for them.
9. The antisocial personality supports only destructive groups and rages against and attacks any constructive or betterment group.
10. This type of personality approves only of destructive actions and fights against constructive or helpful actions or activities.
11. Helping others is an activity which drives the antisocial personality nearly berserk. Activities, however, which destroy in the name of help are closely supported.
12. The antisocial personality has a bad sense of property and conceives that the idea that anyone owns anything is a pretense, made up to fool people. Nothing is ever really owned.
While there is some Narconese to decipher, most of these attributes are self explanatory. I don’t know what to think. After reading this, I am terrified that I am some antisocial psychopath and I am nervous about admitting this concern to Stormy. I speak in broad generalities sometimes. I remember my dad would get so frustrated with me when I would say things such as, “But dad, everyone wears Nike.” He would correct me by saying, “Not everyone wears Nike. I don’t wear Nike. Have you met everyone?”
The attribute claiming that the antisocial person cannot complete a cycle of action, also has me concerned. I am an extremely passionate person filled with a plethora of good ideas and sometimes that passion fades and I don’t complete a project. I am also a drug addict. Addiction and dope sickness get in the way. By nature, I start things in life that I don’t finish. My stomach is in knots. Is Narconon labeling me a villain? Am I a psychopath, as this book appears to be suggesting?
I manage to recite the attributes back to Stormy and make no mention of the concerns I have regarding these self revelations. I continue to read and am immediately comforted with this passage:
However, the list of antisocial attributes consists of things which such a personality cannot detect in himself or herself. This is so true that if you thought you found yourself in one of them, you most certainly are not antisocial. Self-criticism is a luxury the antisocial cannot afford. They must be RIGHT because they are in continual danger in their own estimation. If you proved one WRONG, you might even send him or her into a severe illness. Book 5, Page 104.
Because I was able to identify with any of these attributes, I am not antisocial. My heart race slows to a more normal beat and I sigh a breath of relief. The idea that I was so sick that I could not be helped was frightening.
“Let’s take a 10 minute break,” Stormy announces.
It is 10 minutes before the hour and that means break time. I had almost forgotten what a break every hour to smoke feels like considering we were not allowed to smoke in Objectives. Of course, that didn’t stop us from all sneaking 2-3 drags off a butt in the bathroom over there, but being able to sit and enjoy a full cigarette on the benches is much more appealing.
“Hey girl hey,” Keisha calls out.
“Hey girl hey,” I reply, before sitting on the bench beside her.
“How are you liking Book 5 so far?” She asks.
“Dude. I thought for a second that I was being labeled an antisocial personality,” I admit through nervous laughter.
“If you think you are antisocial, then you are not,” Noah chimes in.
“That’s right Liz,” Keisha laughs. “I thought the same thing at first.”
This admission makes me feel considerably better. Noah also admits to thinking he was antisocial upon first glance at Book 5. Several other students chime in to confirm they had similar experiences.
“I never in a million years would call you antisocial,” Margaret interrupts.
Margaret is an older gal who is on Book 3. She has recently moved over to the Ginger house. We all call her mama. She has a husband going through the program at a different location. She is one of the sweetest people I will meet in my program. She has a big heart and sincerely cares for people.
“I love your laugh Liz. You are far from antisocial,” Margaret continues.
“That’s not what the book is talking about when they use the term antisocial,” Noah interjects, before explaining it to her.
Our smoke break is over and we begin to file back into the course room. There are several new Book 1 students and Stormy allows for them to drill outside. Awe, the good ole days. I can’t help but laugh as I hear them screaming at the ashtray. Book 5 reads surprisingly quick for me and I move into learning the attributes of the Social Personality.
The Social Personality Attributes Include:
1. The social personality is specific in relating circumstances.
2. The social personality is eager to relay good news and reluctant to relay bad.
3. A social personality passes communication without much alteration and if deleting anything tends to delete injurious matters.
4. Treatment, reform and psychotherapy particularly of a mild nature work very well on the social personality.
5. The friends and associates of a social personality tend to be well, happy and of good morale.
6. The social personality tends to select correct targets for correction.
7. Cycles of action begun are ordinarily completed by the social personality, if possible.
8. The social personality is ashamed of his misdeeds and reluctant to confess them. He takes responsibility for his errors.
9. The social personality supports constructive groups and tends to protest or resist destructive groups.
10. Destructive actions are protested by the social personality. He assists constructive or helpful actions.
11. The social personality helps others and actively resists acts which harm others.
12. Property is property of someone to the social personality and its theft or misuse is prevented or frowned upon.
After each attribute, just as I had done with the antisocial ones before, I have to use a stupid demo kit to act it out. I will never understand the significance of using colored marbles and rocks to demonstrate concepts and ideologies, but whatever. I also have to describe a time that I have observed each attribute in myself or someone else. It is time consuming. To be honest, I made some of that shit up. Especially with the antisocial ones. You can imagine a scenario for any of the attributes. As a writer, it wasn’t difficult for me to fly through this portion of the book. I think Stormy is surprised, as I have completed both sets of attributes verbatim and it is only time for lunch. The Objectives students file into the course room and Stormy dismisses us.
Every day, students race to the front of the line for grub. I personally think it is beyond annoying. We live in a society that should deem women and children first. While there are not any actual children here, I suppose the boys racing to the front might constitute as behaving as such. There are literally 5 guys to 1 girl here. There are 3 guy houses and only 1 female house. I will never understand why they don’t let the women dish up their plates first. We tend to take smaller portions. It seems only fair we be allowed a fighting chance at getting some food before the asshole male population piles up their plates leaving many of us fighting for crumbs. The guys give no fucks. So much for chivalry.
I find myself in line with Keisha, Hayden, Misty and Justice. Misty and Justice are almost done with Objectives and I can sense poor Justice’s frustration with Misty as she continues to do her Beyonce walk in class and is easily distracted by Adam Moon.
“Bitch if you don’t stop talking to him and getting us into trouble instead of focusing on the task at hand, I swear to God,” Justice laughs.
“What?” Misty says slyly. A mischievous grin spreads across her face.
Adam Moon is with us in line. Him and Misty have been inseparable since he got here. Despite being on a no comm., they managed to find ways to pass each other notes. It’s a rehab romance. There are plenty of them blossoming around me.
“Oh joy. It’s fucking hot dogs again,” Hayden says while faking a big Cheshire cat smile and slamming her plate down.
“At least we got here before they ran out of buns,” I chime in. Equally disgusted by the pig anus before me.
“You like buns. Don’t you Lizzy boo bear?” Bolts taunts me.
I roll my eyes. “Hilarious Bolts.”
“Oh boo bear, don’t be like that. I have some new music for you to listen to,” he continues.
“Sounds good boo bear,” I reply.
“Awe shit. Bolts is your boo bear? What am I?” Brian interrupts. He moves his hips back and forth in a sexually suggestive manner. I smile and look away, never answering that question.
This place is getting to me. Every thing is redundant. Even lunch has become mundane. The same groups of people having the same conversations.
“I swear they are trying to fatten us up,” Hayden complains, as she munches on her hot dog. “They don’t even offer a healthier option. You have to buy shit on your Walmart list if you want a fighting chance at staying thin.” Crumbs fall to the plate below her.
“I put Oreos and Nutella on my Walmart list,” Keisha laughs. “That ain’t working out that way for me.” We all laugh with her.
“That reminds me, I need to add some CLE’s to my list,” Buster speaks up.
“Yeah, you need to add about 3 boxes of CLE’s for me and 2 packs of smokes bro. For real. Camel Menthol Crush and if you ain’t have it, then fuck outta here,” I announce before getting up to go smoke.
“Man, what’s her deal?” Buster mumbles.
“You! You are here deal bro. The fuck you mean?” Brian responds before following me outside.
Most of the boys have found their way to the basketball court and are involved in a sweaty game of shirtless hoops. Several of us girls are on the smoking benches enjoying the view. Bolt’s posts up beside me and plugs my ear with an earbud.
“Let me put you on this Ace Hood boo bear. You don’t know nothing bout this,” he alleges.
Unbeknownst to him, I have Ace Hood on my iPod and I begin walling out to the Hustle Hard remix. Brian and Bolts join in. Keisha laughs. Noah looks annoyed. Rap is not his musical genre of preference. Today is Friday, which means it is graduation day and there are only two more sessions of class in the day. I feel determined to get through Book 5 in a day.
“You can’t do it in a day,” Bolts claims.
“Watch me bro,” I reply.
“You better get that hustle on then. How you plan on hustling Stormy?” He laughs.
“I’m like Ace Hood in this bitch. I hustle and I hustle hard,” I laugh.
Bolts and I break out singing the Hustle Hard remix by Ace Hood. Bolts laughs when I do my best Rick Ross impression. The two minute warning has been issued and we all begin filing back towards the course room…
Today’s Theme Song- Hustle Hard Remix- Ace Hood
**DISCLAIMER: This is my personal experience at a Narconon Rehabilitation Center. This is not an expose or journalistic documentation. It is not meant to bash the program in any way, or suggest that it is the only rehab facility that works for recovery. I have been clean and sober since 09-27-13 and attribute much of that success to this program. All of the names in this series have been changed to protect the identity of my friends and sober family’s privacy! Thank you for reading!**