Waiting to know if I have been approved for sauna is torture. On the plus side, most the students are in class, so I have more control of the television in the lodge. Ridiculousness is on in marathon mode, and I opt to watch it for a day filled with laughter! 

“Hey boo bear, what’s going on?” Bolts asks.

“Nothing, just chilling,” I reply.

Brian and him, join me on the couch. Donny D is on an ethics cycle, but I am not sure what landed him there. Rumor is, he got caught having sex last night. He walks through the lodge to grab a trash bag.

“What are you on ethics for Brooklyn?” I ask.

Donny laughs, “I am not allowed to tell anyone. If I do, they will extend my sentence.”

We all laugh in response. Donny is wearing a shit eating grin and it is obvious he got some last night.

“You know you were getting it in,” Bolts jokes. He sticks his tongue out and spanks the air in front of him, while swaying his hips back and forth.

“You got caught giving it to her,” he elaborates.

Donny responds with a Narconon term, “I can neither deny or confirm that,” before walking out of the lodge.

I watch, as he takes this contraption used for picking up cigarette butts around the center and the trash bag. He begins to fill it. I don’t know why students toss their butts everywhere. There are ashtrays and cigarette receptacles, literally, everywhere.

Aiden strolls through the lodge. He walks past us, in a stare down with his silly grin. He doesn’t bat an eye or say a word, before standing on the wall behind us. Curtis Maxwell, is already posted there. He is playing games on his cell phone.

“Aiden. Why did John Tiger take away our ability to do other people’s chores in exchange for Wal-mart list trades?” I ask.

“I don’t know. Why don’t you ask him?” He replies.

“I did. He said that it’s not fair for students to be able to get out of their responsibilities. That’s bullshit. I was on point, doing dinner dishes as a legit hustle for smokes. Now I have to ask my dad to fund my cancer sticks. He had heart surgery. He is not real big on me smoking and I know he is not trying to support it, ” I elaborate.

Aiden just stares. He doesn’t say anything, but still has his grin. It is so frustrating. I never know what the hell is going on inside of his head.

“Speaking of smokes, let’s go have one,” Brian suggests.

We all hop up from the couches and head outside. Juice, is also on an ethics cycle, due to his attempted escape. The difference between Donny D and Juice, is that Donny at least pretends he is picking shit up, while Juice just complains and sits down on the bench next to us.

“Man fuck ethics,” Juice says. “I am making a new batch of hooch and keeping it up on the mountain,” he elaborates.

“Bro. Why don’t you stop with that shit and just do your program?” Brian asks.

Everyone is tired of Juice’s antics. He is an attention seeker. After he screamed at me the other day, I haven’t spoken with him. He acts bipolar, but Bolts insists it’s just that, an act.

“Sitting on the bench is not raking leaves Juice,” Curtis says, as he makes his way over to the benches.

They bicker back and forth briefly, but Juice stomps off in a tantrum and grabs the rake. Bolts flicks his cigarette down on the concrete, near Donny’s feet.

“There you go bro. Something to do,” he jokes.

“Dude, when will I know when I am approved for sauna?” I ask Curtis.

“Dude, bro. I don’t know,” he responds, drawing each word out like a stoner. “Ask Aiden.”

“I thought all you ethics officers were alike and in the loop. Text him,” I suggest.

He does not comply. Curtis is cool. We are not allowed to have cell phones or internet. We had computer time the first week I was here, but they revoked those privileges when emails were caught being sent, trying to score drugs at the center. Still, sometimes Curtis will play a YouTube video and let us watch over his shoulder.

He takes out his can of mint chew, and grabs a gnarly sized dip for his lip.

“Let me try that,” I suggest.

Curtis laughs,” You want a dip?”

“Yeah. I just want to try it,” I elaborate.

“Ew, Liz. No. That’s nasty as fuck,” Brian says.

“Yeah. That’s not very lady like boo bear,” Bolts concurs.

Curtis, however, encourages me. I take a small dip and place it in my lip.

“Don’t swallow the spit at first Liz. You will get sick,” Curtis laughs.

The taste isn’t too bad. It’s mint and I smoke menthol cigarettes. In fact, it is almost, refreshing. I grab a cup to spit in.

“Yuck,” Brian says, as I spit the excess saliva forming in my mouth.

I feel a little lightheaded. My stomach turns a little, and I know it is time for me to spit the chew out. I excuse myself to the bathroom and spit it out. I rinse the chew from my teeth and make my way back to the benches. Curtis is laughing at me.

“Liz, did you spit it out? You are supposed to let it marinate for a half hour or so. That’s when it really gets good,” he says.

“Hey. It’s my first time,” I smile.

“It’s been a long time since you’ve been able to say that about anything,” Bolts jokes.

I punch him in his arm. “Shut the fuck up Bolts. You still waiting to have the chance to say it, with your pooh butt virgin ass” I joke back.

During lunch, I make my way down to the office to see if anyone has heard anything about me getting into sauna. There is a lady named Tess Jetman, in charge of medicine and doctor calls. She has shoulder length, brown hair and brown eyes. I haven’t spent much time talking with her, but she appears to be shy and quiet. She is dating Stormy.

“I’m sorry Liz. I haven’t heard anything back yet,” she apologizes.

Emma Chadwick and Vincent share an office with her. I don’t know what Vincent does for the center but he is fabulous and I love him. He is gay and very attractive. He has a rock hard body and a raspy, smoker voice. He leads aerobic classes, but I am not allowed to attend because I have not been approved for sauna. He is very G.Q. I crave to have diva energy around me, and he makes me miss my Skyler and Jon Diva’s back home. He absolutely, is a sassy bitch and I love it.

Vincent and Emma appear to be best friends. They joke around, while Tess Jetman tries the doctor’s office again for me. She leaves a message and assures me that once she knows anything, someone will let me know immediately.

“Thank you,” I say, before excusing myself from their office.

Christina calls me over to the smoking benches.

“Hey, what’s up?” I ask. We don’t talk to each other very often.

“I am sorry that Jo didn’t put anything on her Wal-mart list for you, or let me give you the sodas for doing my dinner dishes,” she apologizes.

“I was hoping to make it up to you and give you some jeans,” she suggests. Her jeans are freaking adorable and not cheap. One pair is, Rock and Republic. I know they are not cheap and being from Seattle, I haven’t seen them before. I think they are more, an East Coast brand. Or, maybe, they are just out of my budget.

“Thank you. Are you sure?” I ask.

Christina insists. I am not sure why Christina hangs out with Jo. I don’t know Jo at all, but she comes off as a bitch. Besides the fact she is insanely boy crazy and has a bad rep for it, Christina seems sweet and sincere.

“I know they might be a little big now, but trust me, you will gain weight here,” she informs me.

“I already am!” I exclaim. “It’s so depressing. I really appreciate this. I don’t have a lot of clothes, and what I do have, is already starting to get tight on me.”

“Why is Jo such a relentless bitch to me?” I ask.

“I don’t know,” she replies.

Jo is in a 2D flow (relationship) with this really adorable, country boy named Dirk. I think he is from Indiana or one of it’s neighboring states. He is a shorter guy, with a scruffy face and flannel shirts. He always has a ball cap on. He is flirtatious and I wonder if Jo doesn’t like that he talks to me sometimes. Oh well, fuck it. No one at the center understands why the two of them are hooking up. They appear to be polar opposites, as Jo is straight hood.

After lunch and sauna shift change, I meet Keisha in the room.

“Have you been approved yet?” She inquires.

“Ugh. I don’t know yet,” I respond. “It’s torture!”

“I think I am almost done with sauna. I haven’t been reacting as badly to the niacin,” she confirms.

“No! This sucks. I hope they don’t make you move to the house dude. I don’t want to get stuck with an annoying bitch as a roommate Keisha. You’re like the one girl that I can see myself living with,” I elaborate.

“Awe. I know. I don’t want to move to the house,” she says.

We make our way to the smoking benches. There are Book 1 students outside, drilling TR’s. Aiden is making his way over to us.

“What are you doing Liz. Why aren’t you in class?” He asks.

“I don’t have anything to do until I find out about sauna,” I reply.

“Well you better go get your sauna hatting taken care of,” he smirks.

“Wait. What? Did I get approved for sauna?” I ask.

Aiden smiles. I freaking love Aiden. He is always the one delivering me good news.

“Woohoo!” I exclaim, before running circles around the center and the lodge. “I’m approved for sauna,” I shout out repeatedly, as I make my rounds. I run down to the office and announce it loudly, before running back across the parking lot.

Kentucky is the sauna I.C. right now, as I enturbulate the fuck out of the box. I swing the door open and announce to the PM sauna students that I have been approved.

“Get out of the box!” Kentucky exclaims, with her accent and country drawl. “Gawl darn it Liz!”

Everyone laughs. After all, her catch phrase is, “Get in to the box!” Not, get out of it!

I am so excited. I am paired up with Donny D and sent across the street for my sauna hatting. I haven’t been across the street before. That is the Objectives course room.

“Sorry to interrupt your ethics cycle Brooklyn,” I joke.

“Thanks for rescuing me,” Donny D jokes back.

The sauna hatting, involves me reading about vitamins, niacin, the 20 minutes of running the track prior to getting into the sauna and proper sauna protocol. In addition, I have to learn the three, “assists” that were performed on me in Huntington.

In order to properly demonstrate my ability to give these assists, there is a large stuffed dog for me to practice them on.

“This is Heroin Hound,” Brooklyn says, as he places the stuffed dog in front of me.

I laugh, “Hello, Heroin Hound,” I joke, as I shake his paw.

It is difficult to fully concentrate on my sauna hatting, as there are several sets of students (twins), paired up running different Objectives. Makayla and Madison are the Objective supervisors today.

As I am reading, out loud (Method 7 Word Clearing), the sauna hatting packet, the instructions suggest doing the assists on a doll at least 3 feet tall, when a person is unavailable. This causes me to laugh. Heroin hound is not three feet tall.

“Hey. I don’t appreciate you laughing at a program that has saved my life,” Makayla snaps, as she gets in my face, waving her finger at me.

What the fuck? I am not laughing at the program, or her. Shit, I don’t even know her yet. But, the fucking dog is not 3 feet tall and because I am short, I found it humorous and cracked a joke about my own height. I attempt to explain, but Makayla talks over me. This is my first impression of her, and it is not a good one.

“She wasn’t making fun of the program,” Donny D says, in my defense. “She was laughing at the 3 feet tall requirement.”

This seems to satisfy Makayla, but she reiterates that the program has saved her life and she doesn’t want to hear me poking fun at it. I roll my eyes, once her back is to me.

“Touch that Liz,” Jude instructs Chanel.

Chanel touches my shoulder. What the fuck? I laugh. Clearly they are running an objective and Jude has made me the subject of it.

“Thank you,” Jude acknowledges Chanel’s touch.

“Knock it off,” Makayla instructs.

As they walk away, I hear Jude instruct Chanel to touch herself. I press my lips together, in a desperate attempt to hold back my laughter. What planet am I on?

It takes the rest of this session and most of the next, but I complete my sauna hatting. I am officially starting sauna tomorrow! I am geeked (excited).

It is Friday, and that means graduation, followed by dessert. The first week, we got cheesecake, but every week since, we’ve been served cookies and an ice cream cup.

Tess Moff finds me after graduation to tell me that I will be attending AM sauna tomorrow, but if I want to do PM later, I can request it. I put in for that request. I’d much rather do PM sauna. It tires you out. I don’t want to be tired all day after. I would rather be able to suntan, lounge around the pool or nap before sauna.

“You feel better now?” She asks.

“Yes! Thank you so much,” I reply.

Keisha and I make our way back to the room. We both have snuck extra cookies in with us.

“Are you fucking excited?” She asks.

“Hell yeah! I am so ready for sauna,” I elaborate.

“I hate to tell you this, but I EP’d (End Phenomena) sauna today,” she informs me.

“What? No! Really? You are done with sauna?” I ask.

“I know right? But, there are no new students coming in and they aren’t making me move to the house yet,” she encourages.

“Dude, I swear. They must have had to make room for me, so they booted you!” I exclaim. “This sucks.”

“I know. Misty, Justice and Jan are all going into sauna, as well,” she says. “Bryce will be in it by Monday.”

As much as it sucks to learn that Keisha is done with sauna, I am so happy to be in it. My liver enzymes are normal. I still have to go back to the doctor on Tuesday for further monitoring, but everything is looking on the up and up. Keisha and I toss Bridesmaids on. The room is so freaking hot, we sleep with the door open, all night.

I hate doing that. There are black widow spiders and tarantulas here. I haven’t seen any, and tarantula season is over. However, I was informed that the fence by our room, had a nest of black widow spiders right before I got here. They had to exterminate them. The idea of waking up to either one of those spiders in my room, creeps me out, but the heat is unbearable and we are forced to leave the door open.

Morning has arrived, and I hop up eager to start the day. I step down off my bed and my foot is met with a wet, gooey, substance. It pushes up, between my toes.

“Dude! What the fuck?” I scream.

My eyes are still foggy with sleep. I recognize this substance. It is a fucking hair ball, full of cat food puke. Jan, has been feeding Mr. Bojangles. Our door being open all night, invited Mr. Bojangles to come in and puke right by my bed. Keisha laughs. I am already, not a morning person, but this is too much. I hobble over to the shower, to rinse my foot off. What a way to start the day….

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