Every once in awhile, despite having just come back from break, someone claims they need to use the bathroom immediately. Today that someone is Derek Lowry. I suggest that I need to go too. However, I really just want to smoke a couple puffs on a cigarette and attempt to cool down. Makayla is irritated. Four or five other students suddenly have to go as well. Like myself, they probably really only want to smoke up the bathroom.
“You guys just came back from a one hour break. You need to use the bathroom before you come back. Kentucky, can you walk them to the bathroom?” Makayla asks. You can sense the annoyance in her tone.
Kentucky wears her little smirk she gets sometimes when something isn’t really funny, but like us, is sort of funny to her. She reaches for the keys and leads the way. There is a rule in Objectives, you go where your twin goes, so Buster follows me out.
“This is bullshit,” Buster mumbles under his breath.
“No fucking kidding it’s bullshit,” I whisper back. “I shouldn’t have to run this Objective again when she is the one who told you to fill the paperwork out incorrectly!”
“I know. It’s not fair,” he continues.
“It says right on the big ass poster with all the rules to Objectives that you never run an Objective past it’s end phenomena (EP), so how the fuck are they making us run it again? She even said I had the EP,” I reply.
“We should just refuse to rerun it,” he suggests. “If we stand together and refuse, there is nothing they can do about it.”
“They could maybe issue us an ethics cycle for not cooperating,” I speculate. “But then again, it’s our program. Can they really force us to repeat this Objective when they volunteered I had the EP and they are the ones who gave us improper instruction?”
“I don’t know, but I am done with this shit. If you go in there and refuse to run the Objective, then I will stand behind you,” he assures me. “They can’t force us to do it.”
I feel a little better now. I really thought I was alone in my frustration and that Buster was going to act like a little bitch and cater to this unfair requirement. As we make our way back into the course room, Buster and I sit down on the floor and lean up against the back wall, directly underneath the big poster of the Objectives rules.
“You need to run your Objective,” Makayla calls out.
“We can’t. I am in obvious BI’s (Bad Indicators),” I shout back.
Makayla makes her way over to where Buster and I are sitting. “Liz, just run the Objective you will Ep after this session and you are so close to being done.”
“Nope,” I reply, while pointing to the poster above me. “We’re playing by your rules and your rules say to never run an Objective beyond its EP.”
“Buster you need to get your twin into GIs (Good Indicators) and run the Objective,” Makayla instructs.
Buster just sits there like a lump. He has no response. I wait for him to have my back like he suggested he would. However, he does not take that initiative.
“We are not doing it Makayla. You said I had the EP. It’s not our fault that you didn’t give proper instruction about how to fill out the paperwork. I am clearly in BIs and we are not allowed to begin session that way,” I continue.
Makayla opts to talk to Buster. I can feel my ear lobes getting hot again. The frustration of watching Buster cave to Makayla without even a hint of his alleged alliance is pissing me off. I stand up and begin to make my way to my backpack behind her desk.
“Where are you going? Liz get back here. You can’t walk out of session,” Makayla calls out.
“We aren’t in session!” I exclaim.
Buster walks over to me. Like a dog with his tail between his legs he approaches me. His head is down and eye contact is nonexistent.
“Come on Liz, let’s just run it for an hour and send the paperwork across the street,” Buster whispers under his breath.
“No! Fuck No! You fucking pussy. You are the biggest fucking pussy I have ever met! You are the one who said we should refuse to repeat this together and now you are bowing out like the little bitch boy you have always been! No!” I scream.
Kentucky’s face suggests she can relate to my outburst. She says nothing in my defense. However, she says nothing in an attempt to calm me down or try to get me back into session. I grab my backpack from behind the desk.
“Call for the van. I am done. Call for the van,” I scream.
“No. I am not calling for the van. You need to calm down and get into session,” Makayla instructs.
“Call for the fucking van right now,” I scream!
“We are not calling for the van,” she continues.
“Fine! I don’t give a fuck! I will walk my happy ass across the street!” I scream. I slam the door behind me.
Makayla is right on my heels. I light a cigarette and speed walk over the bridge, beyond the bathroom and towards the street.
“Liz! Stop! You can’t walk across the road! It’s a liability,” Makayla calls out.
Kentucky must have called Tess Moff, as I see she is making her way across the street in front of me. Several other staff members, including most of the ethics division, is watching this spectacle unfold. Tess Moff hurries in the way she does. Her hips slamming back and forth as she speed walks over to where Makayla and I are arguing.
There is about three feet between Makayla and I. I have no idea what she is saying to me because I am yelling over her. Her voice remains for the most part, controlled. However, she looks angry and frustrated and like she wants to yell back. Maybe she is yelling. I don’t know. All I know is that I am completely out of control right now.
“What’s going on,” Tess Moff interjects.
I continue to scream in Makayla’s direction. My heart is racing and I can feel myself becoming overwhelmed with emotion. The need to cry is surfacing and I don’t want them to witness that event.
“Liz. You need to calm down. I understand that you are frustrated and angry, but do not talk to Makayla like that. She is one of the sweetest girls I know and she cares. It is not her fault. I am the one who determined that you needed to run the Objective again,” Tess admits.
Still screaming, I begin to walk across the street.
“If you walk across the street, you are going to be repeating Objective 8 too!” Tess exclaims.
I turn to her. “You can’t do that! I’ve already fucking EP’d it! That is complete fucking bullshit! It breaks your fucking dumb ass rules,” I scream. “You can’t do that!”
“Watch me,” she warns.
“Fine well fuck you. Fuck this stupid fucking program and fuck everything,” I rage, as I run across the street.
“I am calling your dad,” she warns.
“Good. Call my dad! I don’t give a fuck! Send me the fuck home!” I rage.
Aiden is outside, along with Curtis Maxwell and John Tiger. It appears that everyone that staffs the office, is outside watching as well. I have no place to run too. All my shit is at the ginger house. Without thinking, I race towards my old room, room 2. Tess Moff is right beside me. I know she is asking for me to just talk to her, but I honestly have no idea what else she is saying, as my head is in a buzzing rage.
“Just leave me alone,” I scream in a growl.
“No, I’m not leaving you alone,” she replies.
“Leave me the fuck alone,” I growl angrily again, as we walk by the main course room and run towards room 2.
“No. I am going wherever you go until you just talk to me,” she replies. Her voice is gentle, while mine is angry and loud.
I try to slam the slider door, but she prevents me from doing so. I run into the bathroom and slam the door. I just want to cry, but she will not leave me alone. She refuses to let me have any time to myself, despite my pleas to have it.
“No. I am not leaving you alone. We can do this all day,” she says.
“Fine,” I scream.
I open the door and race towards the slider door. She refuses to let me get ahead of her and without thinking, I elbow her into the bushes to the left of us.
“If you assault me again,” she warns. This time her voice is louder.
“I didn’t fucking assault you,” I interrupt. “My elbow slipped.”
We both fall silent for a brief second. A very brief second.
“Liz, I am going to let that slide, but if we were on the streets you know that shit don’t fly,” she says.
I don’t know if she means that she thinks she can kick my ass, or if she absolutely would kick my ass, or if it means that she would at least fight back. I do know she is a feisty bitch and that it absolutely would not fly if we were out on the streets. Of course, I am a fucking firecracker myself and in this moment I am fully enraged. There is no place to go. The entire course room is watching this scene unfold. I make my way to the bench in the center of the courtyard and bury my head into my backpack. Tess Moff sits on the bench beside me.
“Why can’t you just leave me alone for ten minutes? I need to cry and I don’t want you here,” I beg.
“No. I am not leaving you,” she responds. Her response is like a broken record on repeat.
“Why?” I ask. “I don’t want to cry in front of you and I am not crying because I am sad. I am crying because I am overwhelmed and you won’t leave me the fuck alone.”
“I know that. You remind me a lot of myself Liz. I will sit here with you until you are ready to talk,” she informs me.
I weep into my backpack, but my heartbeat slows down. I decide to light another cigarette, as I wipe at the mascara I am certain has smeared down my face.
“You ready to talk?” She asks.
“Talk about what? How you are fucking me by making me run an Objective I already EP’d again?” I ask in response.
“Liz, I am sorry, but you are acting like a real b..” she begins, but catches herself.
“What the fuck? You were going to call me a bitch! Just admit it. You were going to call me a bitch just now,” I say in complete shock.
“I was going to say it. You are acting like a bitch right now,” she admits.
“That’s real funny considering that you are the queen B!” I exclaim.
I hear laughter coming from the smoking benches around the corner, but I don’t know who from. Probably from ethics spying officers.
“I am the queen B Liz and you know what? I am okay with that. I own that shit,” she continues. “You remind me so much of myself, but you got to get that anger under control.
“You don’t think I know that all of these stupid Objectives are about control?” I ask angrily.
“Okay well if you know that, then do them and get control over your anger Liz,” she instructs. “You got to get your shit together.”
We talk for what feels like forever on that bench. I like Tess Moff. Somehow she has managed to calm me down. I complain about how miserable I have been running Objectives with Buster and how I wish I had never been separated from my original twin, Richard. She listens as I inhale a couple of cigarettes and air my grievances. She puffs away on her vapor and by the end of our conversation I have managed to agree to the terms of repeating the Objective, but with a new twin. She is not sending me back over to Objectives now, as the session is nearing its end. She suggests I get cleaned up and get my shit together, before resuming classes for the rest of the day.
I stay away from everyone during the 3 o’clock break. I barricade myself into the laundry room with my iPod and sing away my frustration. After the break, I load onto the van. I have no idea who my new twin will be, but I am eager to just get this done. To my surprise, Bolts and Little Brian load onto the van after me. They’ve completed Objectives already, so what are they doing here? Brian signals for me to take out my headphones, as he takes a seat next to me on the van. He informs me that him and Bolts volunteered to get us through Objectives and that he will be my new twin. I breathe a sigh of relief, before thanking him and resting my head on his shoulder for the short ride across the street…
Today’s Theme Song- T.I.- No Matter What
**DISCLAIMER: This is my personal experience at a Narconon Rehabilitation Center. This is not an expose or journalistic documentation. It is not meant to bash the program in any way, or suggest that it is the only rehab facility that works for recovery. I have been clean and sober since 09-27-13 and attribute much of that success to this program. All of the names in this series have been changed to protect the identity of my friends and sober family’s privacy! Thank you for reading!**