Waiting for Tarantula to come back from the office is torture. This urge to get high is a hidden nagging feeling that resurfaces too often. I realize the company I keep helps to feed the desire to relapse. Of course, I am in rehab. We are all going through the same shit. It’s not their fault for triggering me. Hell, I was triggering Keisha and Hayden a couple weeks ago. The constant drug talk around the center with all the newbies, makes me want to move over to the house.
“Here he comes,” Hayden whispers.
We are sitting on the smoking benches with Derek.
“Yo, bro. Why are you coming back empty handed?” Derek calls out.
We are all disappointed.
“I don’t know bro. It should be here by tomorrow,” Tarantula suggests before sitting on the benches with us.
“This sucks. I am really trying to get high. Fuck sauna!” Derek exclaims. “I turn into a fucking lobster everyday. That niacin kills.”
“It is so weird to me that I never had a reaction. Everyone else turns bright red and is in pain and I never experienced anything like that,” I profess.
“Well aren’t you the lucky one,” Derek snarks.
“Fuck off,” I laugh.
“Liz. Bro. Can I get a square?” He asks.
“Damn. Derek. Bro. I can’t be supplying your nicotine habits like this son,” I say while handing him a cigarette.
“Bro. We going too hook you up with them pills nigga, so chill,” Derek says.
We all laugh. Hayden is staring off and Derek notices. They are no longer on a no comm.
“What’s wrong beautiful?” He asks.
“Nothing,” she responds.
I think she is just disappointed about the package not coming in. We are all a little on edge about it. However, her, Derek and Tarantula are all still in sauna. If they get caught, they may be forced to start that part of sauna all over again.
There is another newer guy in the group. His name is Carl. He is short, has brown hair, freckles and wears glasses. He has an athletic physique. In addition, we have another new guy in our group that I am completely obsessing over. I don’t know what it is about him, but the minute he walked into the center, I have had the hugest crush on him. His name is Ryan Nicholas. He is tall, skinny, with blonde hair, blue eyes and not my type at all. For starters, he is white, but his skin is flawless and milky. He is so damn gorgeous to me and I can’t stop staring at him. He is in his early twenties and it is wrong for me to be obsessing, but he is all I have talked about for three days now. He is from Illinois, has a son and we have bonded a little sharing our parenting experiences. Perhaps, that’s why I don’t see him as an early twenty something. Still, I know it is wrong.
There is also another new student who is here on a review. That means that he completed the program and relapsed within six months. The clause attached to this program is that if you go home and relapse within the first six months, you can come back free, for a review. His name is Trent. He is a real, live Ken doll. All of the girls drool over him. Athletic build, tall, perfect tanned skin, covered in tats and one of the meat-heads on campus. He isn’t part of our clique, but from where we are sitting on the benches, I have a nice view of him working out his jaw dropping abs.
There are two other meat-heads that work here doing yard maintenance. One is named Jarvis. He is attractive, but has some white supremacist tattoos. I don’t know his story. He may have received those tattoos in jail. I have been told he regrets them. I have kept my distance from him. My daughter is half black. I have zero tolerance for that. The other one is the cheesiest meat-head of the bunch. His name is Kyle. He is goofy and always has lame pick up lines that he uses just to make us laugh.
Kyle: “Did you get your tickets Liz?”
Me: “Tickets to what?”
Kyle: “Tickets to the gun show.”
Followed by him flexing his muscles and making gun noises. It’s so cheesy that you can’t help but laugh. I love him. He always makes me laugh and has never been anything but nice to me. However, there a few people around the center that have an issue with him. I don’t know why. I think he’s adorable. Needless to say, there is eye candy everywhere.
Hayden, Keisha and I, head to the room for a night of girl talk.
“Oh my gawd. I am fucking obsessing over Ryan,” I admit. “What the fuck is wrong with me? I can’t stop staring at him. He is so funny and I just want to kiss him like right meow (nerd word for now)!”
“He is super cute Liz,” Hayden confirms. “I have kinda been crushing on Tarantula. I really like Derek, but I don’t know, Tarantula has my attention.”
“What about you Keisha? Still crushing on Noah?” I ask.
“I’ll take that as a yes?” I ask sarcastically. We all laugh.
“Dude, I seriously cannot stop thinking about Ryan. I wear my sunglasses nonstop, in hopes that he won’t catch me staring at him,” I confess. “He is way too young for me, but can’t I just play with him a little? He came in all MGK and I am in love.”
“I feel like you and I are crushing on multiple guys and Keisha just stays crushing on Noah. You really don’t think any other guys are hot?” Hayden asks.
“Uh yeah I do. Trent, the guy on review, is fucking hot. I see him and I’m like, mother may I,” she admits.
We all burst into a girl’s giggle fit.
“I bet the guys heads would explode if they knew how much we talked about them,” Keisha suggests.
“I bet Ryan would be like, Ew. Liz is a fucking grandma,” I joke.
“Stop it Liz. You don’t even look like you are in your thirties,” Hayden says.
“Awe. That’s sweet,” I respond.
“You never know,” Keisha says. “You might be a MILF to him.”
We all laugh again. It feels good to catch up with my girls. Hayden has been a little withdrawn lately and it is awesome to hear her laughing again. We didn’t tell Keisha about the pills. She has been doing really well in her program and we don’t want to trigger her or influence her poorly.
“My parents are coming this weekend,” Hayden informs us.
“That’s awesome. I wish my family was closer. Although, I don’t know. Seeing my daughter might make it harder on me,” I admit.
“Did you see Vinny too Skinny’s wife?” Keisha asks.
“Yes. Dude, she brought their fucking dog here,” I say. We all laugh.
“I can’t believe how normal she appears,” Hayden admits.
“I can’t believe he still insists on playing with his retarded ass remote control car while his wife is visiting him,” I say.
“I know. What the actual fuck? He is not right in the head,” Keisha giggles.
“You guys. What am I going to do? I can’t concentrate at all. The entire time I was doing TRs eyes open and closed, I was daydreaming about Ryan. I am completely infatuated with him. This is not good. Help!” I exclaim.
“I say, go for it,” Hayden says. “You never know. Do you want me to ask him if he thinks you’re cute?”
“Oh my gawd, no! Well, I don’t know. Maybe. Let me think about it,” I suggest.
“Liz, you need to get laid,” Keisha laughs. “Seriously. You are boy crazy. Maybe you need that young twenty something fun.”
I try, but I cannot conceal my blushing. I grab a pillow to cover my face. I must be as red as a strawberry by now, and my face is perma-cheesing (smiling). This boy has completely taken over my mind.
“He’s too young,” I confess.
“Liz. Seriously look at how many guys are going out with chicks half their age. Nobody says shit about them,” Hayden says. “Think of it this way, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher much. It’s starting to become acceptable for older women to date younger men, and at least he isn’t half your age.”
“Yeah Liz. Get your claws out and embrace your cougar,” Keisha jokes. “Meoorrwl,” she growls like a cougar, while pawing at the air.
Again, we all burst into laughter and I cannot hide my school girl blush for my crush.
“Dude, my dad would kill me. If I told him I was falling for someone in their early twenties, he would probably lecture me for three hours, pray with me and then pray again for me after we hung up the phone,” I laugh. “I’m not joking. But, he is so cute!”
“Girls. We all need to get laid,” I say. “It’s almost time for dinner, I am going to go make my phone calls.”
“Okie dokie,” Keisha replies.
Hayden and Keisha head to the dinner line. I have scheduled to call my mom today. I call my daughter everyday, but because there are so many students, I haven’t utilized multiple phone times to call other people.
“Hi mom,” I say.
“Hi Boz,” she replies.
I have no idea why, but my mom has always called me Boz. I am pretty sure it has something to do with Brian Bosworth. He’s a former Seahawks player and his nickname was, “The Boz.” She liked him, but he was before my football watching time.
“How is everything?” I ask.
“Well, we are doing alright around her just putzing around on the farm. Eric came up here,” she informs me.
“What the fuck? Eric came up there? Why?” I ask.
My heart begins to race uncontrollably. I can feel my breathing become labored. Eric is the biggest douche I have ever known in my life (with perhaps the exception of my daughter’s dad), and I don’t want him anywhere near my family.
“Well, honey, he came up here to get the Cadillac,” she admits. “He really misses you. He wanted me to tell you that he loves you.”
“Mom, what the fuck? Did you give him the Cadillac?” I ask. “He does not fucking love me.”
“We did honey. We just needed it off the property. He got it started and hauled it off for us,” she continues. “He sounded sincere. He is worried about you.”
“Mom! Mom! Eric is the guy who put a fucking needle in my arm! He does not give a flying fuck about me. I transferred the title to Christmas (my sister), and you can’t just give him the car. That son of a bitch. Even in rehab, he has found away to keep taking from me!” I exclaim. “I can’t believe this.”
“I’m sorry Boz. We needed it off our property. It’s been sitting here for a couple years now. I thought you were giving it to him,” she says.
“Yeah. When I was high as fuck on heroin and meth and we were running the streets together, but not now. He tried to kill me mom. I know I didn’t tell you that, but that son of a bitch tried to kill me, and now as a final fuck you, he has stolen my fucking car and I can’t do shit about it because I am in California and he knows that. The son of a bitch knew it!” I exclaim.
My emotions are running high. My heart is racing out of control and tears are soaking my cheeks. I say goodbye to my mother and hang up the phone. I love her and I know she didn’t have all the details about Eric, but I can’t believe that he even went to her property and fucking did that. She lives in the middle of nowhere. That means he had to convince someone to drive him an hour and a half away from his town. I am livid and overwhelmed with emotion. When I am angry, sometimes I sob uncontrollably. This is one of those times. Sally and Nancy Steam comfort me before I head to dinner. As I make my way through the dinner line, I am overcome with an extreme desire to get high. I want to numb this pain. I find myself actually praying that Tarantula gets his package tomorrow….
Today’s Theme Song- Wild Boy- MGK
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**If you are a former student of Narconon that didn’t go through the program with me, or a family member of one of my Narconon friends and have discovered this series though my friends sharing it on their pages and want to add me on my personal Facebook page so you don’t miss a post to the series, feel free! Shoot me a message, so I know who you are!**
**DISCLAIMER: This is my personal experience at a Narconon Rehabilitation Center. This is not an expose or journalistic documentation. It is not meant to bash the program in any way, or suggest that it is the only rehab facility that works for recovery. I have been clean and sober since 09-27-13 and attribute much of that success to this program. All of the names in this series have been changed to protect the identity of my friends and sober family’s privacy! Thank you for reading!**